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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23482621">Breathing in the Coldest Nights</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zandra_Court/pseuds/Zandra_Court'>Zandra_Court</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hawaii Five-0 (2010)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 08:16:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,832</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23482621</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zandra_Court/pseuds/Zandra_Court</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>An ending we, and they, deserved.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Steve McGarrett/Danny "Danno" Williams</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>345</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Breathing in the Coldest Nights</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Everyone could see him crying from the lanai as he sat on the beach, shoulders heaving in sobs, but didn’t know what to say. Grover understood best, having been with 5-0 the longest, but he also knew Danny wouldn’t want to talk to him. He and Adam had quietly asked Tani because she would be able to reach him. She’d objected at first because she had no idea what to say to someone who was not only recovering from a gunshot wound to the chest and multiple broken ribs, but clearly a broken heart as well. She only agreed because it was clear none of the rest of them were at all equipped for the task at hand. So they left and she walked down to the surf.</p><p>“How’re you doing, Danny?” She sat in the chair, resting on her hip so she could face him.</p><p>“Well, I’ve been shot, so, had better days.” He couldn’t look at her, and she stayed silent, so he continued. “He’s gone.”</p><p>“I know. But he’ll be back.”</p><p>“Probably.” Danny’s chin fell to his chest and tears he’d thought had dried up, fell again as his chest began to tighten. He leaned forward because he suddenly couldn’t breathe.</p><p>She hopped up and went to his side. “Danny! What’s going on? You OK?” He was starting to hyperventilate, so she pulled out her phone and called 911. For the second time that week, Danny was headed to the hospital.</p><p>5050505050</p><p>“Danny?” Rachel knocked on the door to his hospital room. When he’d been brought in, his blood-oxygen had dropped and he’d lost consciousness, so they’d put another IV in him keeping him sedated for awhile. Hospital staff had asked Tani who they should call when he woke up. A few days ago, the answer would have been obvious, but now... She’d called Grover and he’d given her Rachel’s number.</p><p>Danny had woken up and asked for some food, turning on CNN without sound, but he fell asleep again before they’d brought him breakfast. Rachel’s voice roused him and he turned to look at her, confused.</p><p>“I’m sorry if I woke you. They called me this morning to say you...”</p><p>“Don’t worry about it.” Danny waved his right hand dismissively. “You didn’t need to come down here. I guess I just wasn’t as out of the woods as they thought.”</p><p>“It was no trouble. Grace is getting Charlie ready for school. They’re going to come see you this afternoon.” She stayed near the door. He didn’t invite her to sit down and preferred to read the crawl on the TV than look at her. He was always polite to her, for the kids’ sake, but they didn’t talk.</p><p>“Are you...Will you be alright?” She walked over to the end of the bed so he would have to face her.</p><p>“Sure.” He looked at her, but then away. The look on her face was too much to endure right now.</p><p>“Danny, I know you’re hurting from more than your injuries. I’ve some experience with what you’re like with a broken heart.”</p><p>“Just stop. No. You and I are not going to talk about this. So stop it. I don’t know why you felt you had to come down here, but I’m fine. Please.”</p><p>Her own tears started to fall, “They called me because there was no one else to call, Danny. Stev...”</p><p>“Go! Get out of here, now! GO!” He shouted and his chest burned as he heaved from the effort.</p><p>“OK, Danny, ok. When you’re ready to go home, have them call me and I’ll send Grace to come get you.”</p><p>He watched her as she went, waiting until she would be several rooms away before he allowed himself to cry again.</p><p>5050505050</p><p>They kept him in the hospital two more days, until he could manage with only one Codeine tablet every six hours. He’d called Grace himself to come get him. Sitting in the hospital room for hours, he’d already arranged for a flight to Jersey. Grace had offered to go with him, but school wasn’t out yet. She had asked him only once when Uncle Steve would be coming back, but the look on her dad’s face told her all she need to know. She’d seen that same look on her parents, on Stan... she knew what it meant. So she helped him pack and drove him to the airport.</p><p>“Give Gramma a hug for me.” She said, wrapping her arms around her dad’s neck, kissing him lightly on the cheek.</p><p>“I will. And stop by and take Eddie for walks will ya? Junior doesn’t get to it as much as he’d like.”</p><p>“He took Eddie to live with Tani. Pretty sure he’s living with her too. No one really wants to stay at Uncle Steve’s right now.” She saw her dad flinch a little at the name.</p><p>“Uh, ok.” Danny said, pulling away from their embrace. He didn’t know what to do with that information.</p><p>“I think they thought you’d stay there, but now...”</p><p>“Yeah, OK. I, uh, I gotta get to the security checks. I love you, Monkey.”</p><p>“I love you too, Danno.” She patted his arm. And as he started to turn way, she grabbed his arm again. “It’s OK to be upset that he’s gone. To miss him. I know he loves you.”</p><p>Danny’s face flushes and he grimaces. “Not enough. I gotta go.” He turns and walks away as quickly as he can, hoping he can get to a bathroom before the tears start to fall again. This time, she lets him go.</p><p>5050505050</p><p>He knocks on the door and waits, leaning on the railing at the top of the steps. He should have called. The cab was already driving away when he realized he’d never let them know he was coming. What if they weren’t home or had gone on one of those cruises they were so fond of these days?</p><p>The door opened as his brain had moved on to his parent’s imaginary trip to Europe with a “Silver Fox Traveling Group”, and his mom shouted “Oh, my God! Danny!” He’d forgotten that his face was still really bruised up and he had stitches in his lip and eyebrow.</p><p>“Ma, I’m fine. It’s OK, seriously, Ma, calm down.” She was pulling him along to the kitchen fussing over him and repeating her endless mantra of “What the hell happened!?!”</p><p>He sat at the table, accepting her offer of pie and coffee, but drawing the line at a bag of frozen peas for his now very black eye. She sat at on the other side of the table.</p><p>“Ok, spill it. What is going on?”</p><p>“I got jumped, Ma. It happens in my line of work.”</p><p>“I know it happens, Daniel. I remember when you were on the NPD here. I also remember that you didn’t need to show up at my door after. Ten years you’ve been in Hawai’i. Surgeries, illness, gunshot wounds...I’m lucky when I get a phone call weeks or months after the fact. But what you’ve never done is show up at my door. What gives? Where’s Steve?”</p><p>“Steve left.” Danny pushed the pie around on his plate. He’d eaten about three bites and wasn’t hungry anymore.</p><p>“What do you mean, he left? He left for where?”</p><p>Danny shrugged his shoulders. “He said he needed to leave Hawai’i for a while.”</p><p>“Was this before or after you got shot?”</p><p>“Before, and after. Both. It’s hard to explain. But I still need some help with rehab and stuff and the only other option I had was Rachel, and I just can’t...”</p><p>“No, of course not. But I still don’t understand. Steve knew you’d been shot and he...”</p><p>“Ma, things have been rough for Steve for a while.”</p><p>“I don’t care.” Her voice was rising. “I don’t care. You’re recovering from a gunshot wound!”</p><p>“It’s not like he’s my keeper, Ma. He doesn’t have any obligation to care for me.”</p><p>“Hell he doesn’t. Give me your phone.”</p><p>“What? No, Crazy Lady. You are not calling him.” He watches as she gets up and starts going through his duffel bag pockets, before grabbing her own cell.</p><p>“Gracie will know.” She unlocks her phone as Danny pulls it from her hand.</p><p>“I said no, Ma. No one is calling him. Not you, not Rachel, not Grace. He made his choice. We all have to live with it. “.</p><p>Realization is finally hitting her. “You don’t expect him to come back, do you?”</p><p>His shoulder’s slumped and he looked just like he used to after he’d lost a baseball game or a fight with his sisters. “No. He’s not going to come back. If he was going to come back, he wouldn’t have left. “</p><p>“I’m not sure that makes any sense, Daniel, but OK. I won’t try to call him.”</p><p>“Thank-you.” He put his hands on the counter and started to pant a little. “Ma, I, uh, I need to sit down again. Can you...”</p><p>“Oh, baby, come here. Yes. I’m sorry. Let’s get you settled in. Your father's gone on a fishing trip to Alaska with a bunch of guys from the department.” She wrapped her arm around his waist and helped guide him to the living room. He decided to settle into his dad’s recliner instead, so he could put his feet up. She busied herself with getting him set up with blankets, the remote, a folding table, and a glass of orange juice. After he fell asleep, she picked up her phone.</p><p>“Hiya Gracie! It’s Gramma.”</p><p>5050505050</p><p>Three weeks later, Danny still hadn’t left the house much. He’d called his doctor who had referred him to a home-health agency in Newark. He had physical and respiratory therapists who came out two to three times a week. And after Ma ratted him out, a mental health therapist and a chaplain also stopped by. He didn’t want meds for his head too. Plus, he knew what this was. He’d gone through this after his divorce. He agreed to keep meeting with the chaplain just because he liked the guy. The idea of therapy reminded him too much of Steve.</p><p>“Ma, I’m gonna take a shower. I got RT at 11.” He hollered down the hall towards his parent's bedroom. He’d settled into his childhood bedroom, relishing the comfort of the security it provided. Even at 41, being in his old room calmed him down.</p><p>The shower had started when the reminder alarm started going off on Danny’s phone. He hadn’t taken it into the bathroom with him so the alarm kept going. Clara found it on a shelf in the upstairs laundry room. Danny must’ve left it there when he grabbed a towel. She picked it up to turn off the alarm. His background was a picture of Grace and Charlie from two Halloween’s ago. She smiled at the image and noticed the small red oval by the phone icon. 52. She touched open the app. Danny had 27 voicemails that he hadn’t listened to and 25 missed calls. She looked to see whose calls Danny wasn’t taking, but it only listed numbers, even though most were from the same number. She went into his Favorites and there were only three names, hers, Grace, and Charlie. She went into his contacts. Steve’s name was gone. So were most of the names she’d heard him talk about from Hawai’i. She left the phone on his nightstand so he wouldn’t lose it.</p><p>When Danny came down for breakfast, he smelled just like his dad, which made Clara smile. She noted that his hair had grown out a fair bit, which she liked better than the buzz cut on the side he had when he’d arrived. But it was getting too long on top.</p><p>“Want me to make an appointment at Bud’s for ya?” She asked as she slid a couple fried eggs on a plate.</p><p>Danny ran his fingers through his hair in response. “Yeah, it’s getting a bit unruly I ‘spose.”</p><p>“Not a problem. I’ll call and set it up once Liz gets here to do your RT. Bud’ll be thrilled. He hasn’t cut your hair since you were 22.”</p><p>Danny poured himself some coffee and opened the fridge to get some milk. “That’s not true. I went to him all the time until I got married. Then it was just easier to go to that salon Rachel used.”</p><p>Clara smiled, “Well, he’ll be glad to see you all the same. Say, you, uh, you heard from your friends lately?” She tried to sound casual but the look he gave her told her she’d failed. She withered a little and wondered if this was how the bad guys felt when being questioned by him.</p><p>“Why’re you asking, Ma? Someone called you?”</p><p>“No, sweetie.”</p><p>“You call someone I asked you not to?” He was leaning back against the counter now, arms crossed in front.</p><p>“No, Danny. Listen. Your phone was going off while you were in the shower. I just....I saw that you had a lot of missed calls. That’s all.”</p><p>His arms dropped. “C’mere.” He pulled her into a hug. “I’m sorry. That was harsh. I just, I don’t wanna talk to him right now. Any of them.”</p><p>She hugged him back and then stepped back enough to look at him. “So, Steve is calling you.”</p><p>He sighed. “Yeah, Ma. He’s called. He’s texted. I don’t answer.”</p><p>“Why?” It wasn’t like him to do this. Even after his divorce, he always answered if Rachel called.</p><p>“The day he left, I texted him. Like an hour later, I texted him.” He stopped, then busied himself putting sugar in his coffee, which was strange because he normally didn’t drink it with sugar, just milk</p><p>“And?”</p><p>He dropped the spoon in the sink. “And he didn’t text back for 38 hours. I’d gone back into the hospital and was sitting there in that dark room waiting for him to text back and he didn’t. Then when he did, he just...it was nothing. It said nothing. I haven’t responded since.”</p><p>“Look, Danny. I know you haven’t wanted to tell me what’s been going on, and I’m trying to be patient with that. But you’re not talking to your friends either. That’s not like you.”</p><p>“I’m talking to someone. I am. Just not them, OK? Trust me, I’ll be fine. And I am talking to Grace. She and Charlie are gonna fly back for Memorial Weekend.”</p><p>“They are? Oh, that’s great! Wait, that’s in less than a week! I need to get things ready.” Danny chuckled as she went into full-blown, Super-grannie mode while he sat and ate his eggs.</p><p>5050505050</p><p>The doorbell rang and Danny grumbled a little as he got up. His ribs still shot bolts of pain when he moved from sitting to standing. Liz was 45 minutes early, which was odd for her. She was normally exactly on time. He went to the door holding his chest under his left arm in a vain attempt to get the throbbing to stop as he wheezed, chiding himself for not taking some pain meds after his shower as he opened the door and froze. It wasn’t Liz.</p><p>“Hey Danny.”</p><p>He felt his brain short-circuit. Steve was standing there, wearing faded jeans (jeans!) and a navy blue v-neck t-shirt. His skin was less tan than normal, which made the color of the tattoos that peaked out under his shirt sleeves seem brighter. He was clean-shaven, though like Danny, he hadn’t cut his hair in while. Danny leaned on the door, leaving it open enough for him to see, but keeping the door firmly between himself and Steve.</p><p>“What’re you doing here, Steve?”</p><p>“You’re not answering my calls, Danny. You’re not answering anyone’s calls.”</p><p>“So.”</p><p>“So, I, I wanted to make sure you were OK.”</p><p>“No you didn’t.”</p><p>“What’re you talking about Danny, of course...”</p><p>Danny raised his voice. “You’re lying Steve. I’m certain you called Grace, or Rachel, or both and they told you I was here. You probably called my mom too. You knew I was fine and you knew I wasn’t answering your calls. So please don’t waste my time, your time, and don’t you fucking lie to me.” Danny pushed the door closed but Steve grabbed it as he did, slamming Steve’s hand in the process.</p><p>“Ow, shit.” Steve cursed but he didn’t let go of the door, pushing it back open. “Danny, please. We need to talk.”</p><p>“No, we don’t Steve. We actually don’t. I tried to talk, remember? And you left. You walked away. So, sorry. Your chance to talk is over. Go away.”</p><p>Steve stayed outside the threshold, but kept his hand on the door. “Danny, I’m not leaving, man. Yeah, I called Grace. She’s worried about you too. Everyone’s worried about you. Can I come in, please?”</p><p>“No, Steve. You can’t. You cross that door, I’m calling 911. I mean it.”</p><p>Steve let his hand drop from the door. “Alright. OK. I’m staying at the Quality Inn if you wanna...if you need...OK.” Steve turned and headed back down the walk to his rental car. He heard the door shut and the deadbolt click behind him. He sat in the car for a few moments, watching the house before eventually driving away.</p><p>5050505050</p><p>It was late afternoon and Danny sat at his father’s desk, working on the newspaper crossword puzzle. Clara had brought him coffee and a sandwich, which sat untouched. He hadn’t eaten since that morning, but he wasn’t hungry. There was light knock on the door and he turned to find Andrew standing there. He was the chaplain that Danny had met with a few times.</p><p>“Oh, hey. Sorry, I didn’t remember us having an appointment.” Danny stood up and motioned to the chair by the desk.</p><p>“We didn’t. You mom called me and asked if I had time today.”</p><p>“She worries. But it’s good to see you.”</p><p>Andrew sat down, clasping his hands in his lap. “Good to see you too. I understand you had a visitor today.”</p><p>Danny looked at him quizzically. He hadn’t told his mom that. “I don’t...what are you talking...”</p><p>Andrew held up a hand, “Danny, it’s not a mystery. Steve called your mom after he left here. She called me.”</p><p>“I see.” Danny went very still.</p><p>“Did he tell you where he’s been?”</p><p>“No, he uh...I didn’t give him a chance. I told him to leave or I was gonna call the cops.”</p><p>“Woah.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Danny smoothed his hands though his hair and sat back in the desk chair. “Him showing up like that... I wasn’t ready. And it made me so mad that he was there, dictating when we got to talk. I practically begged him to talk to me before and now he shows up and...it pissed me off. I dunno.”</p><p>“You want to talk to him on your terms, not his.”</p><p>Danny nodded. “Yeah, exactly. He’s such a control freak, always has been. And he took control to walk out and leave me recovering from a bullet to the chest. I figure, if we ever talk again, it’s gonna be when I want to.”</p><p>Andrew leaned forward a little. “Do you want to talk to him?”</p><p>Danny shook his head and stared at the desktop for a while. “I dunno. Yeah, I guess. I do. But even thinking about it hurts. And when I imagine it, y’know, talking to him. Finding out where he went, nothing he could say wouldn’t make me angry. Every conversation I have with him in my head only ends with rage.”</p><p>“Because you’re angry.”</p><p>“I am. So why bother talking to him?”</p><p>“So he can know you’re angry with him. Danny, you’re holding all this inside because you can’t place it where it belongs. Instead, you’re passively hurting him back by ignoring him, when in fact, you both want to talk.”</p><p>“I’m afraid I might...I have dreams, nightmares really, where I’m...I’m hitting him. I get so mad, I hit him.”</p><p>“And this scares you, that you might hurt him?”</p><p>“Well, let’s be real here, I’m hardly in shape enough to land a punch that would actually hurt him. No, it’s not that I’d hurt him really. It’s that I’d lose control enough to not care if I was hurting him.”</p><p>“That’s actually really insightful, Danny. Our dreams, though, they’re mostly ways for our brains to process what is happening to us. Do you think it’s possible that your dreams may be more about a desire to have it out with him?”</p><p>“What, like my brain is giving me a fantasy fight because I can’t have a real one?”</p><p>Andrew shrugged. “Do you and Steve normally fight physically?”</p><p>“No. We yell a lot, but we don’t hit each other.”</p><p>“When why do think you would start now?”</p><p>“Because it’s never been this bad before. I honestly don’t know that we can come back from this.”</p><p>“And maybe you can’t. Not all relationships can be salvaged. They can be ended well though. I don’t think we pay enough attention to that. Most of us end relationships in anger and never look back. But it is possible to amicably separate. That takes vulnerability though, so we don’t do it.”</p><p>“I’m not ready for that.”</p><p>“And that’s OK. Tell him that. If he cares about you at all, he will respect that. I need to get going. My husband wasn’t expecting me to make this stop and he’s waiting to go to dinner.”</p><p>Danny held out his hand. “Thanks for stopping by, man.”</p><p>Andrew clasped Danny’s hand and held it. “I’m just a call away.”</p><p>“Thanks, man. Really.”</p><p>“Peace, Danny.” Andrew left.</p><p>Peace. That was what Steve had said he was seeking when he left. Danny wondered if he’d found it.</p><p>5050505050</p><p>Grace and Charlie arrived three days later. Rachel had excused them both from school early on Thursday so they could fly out before the weekend rush. They’d all driven out to the Shore on Friday, hoping to get a beach day when it wasn’t too crowded.</p><p>Grace sat on her towel next to her dad as they both watched Charlie play in the surf. “Danno? Will you do my back?” She held out her sunscreen towards him.</p><p>“Sure, Monkey. Scoot over here.” He took the bottle. “This is only SPF 45.”</p><p>She rolled her eyes. “It’s plenty. Stop fussing at me.”</p><p>He grumbled a little as he started to rub the white cream on to her shoulder blades. “Don’t leave any white spots; either. Rub it in.”</p><p>“I know how to put on sunscreen Grace. I lived in Hawai’i for ten years.”</p><p>“Gramma and Grampa are taking me and Charlie to see a play tomorrow night.”</p><p>This was the first he was hearing of this. “Oh yeah? What play?”</p><p>“Little Women. Gramma thought it would be fun. I don’t know how much fun it will be for Charlie, but she says it’s at the Children’s Theatre, so I guess they will know how to keep him engaged. It was nice of them.”</p><p>“Yeah. You’ll have a good time.”</p><p>“I ordered dinner for you from Gino’s. They’ll deliver it about 6:30.” She took a breath. “And, so you don’t have to eat alone, I invited Uncle Steve over to keep you company.” She felt his hands still on her shoulders. He gripped her firmly.</p><p>“Grace...”</p><p>She turned to face him. “No, Danno. You’re gonna let him in the house and you’re gonna eat dinner.”</p><p>“Grace, listen to me. That’s not going to happen. You had no right to interfere...”</p><p>She shoved him, not hard, but enough to show her anger. “No right? I have every fucking right!”</p><p>“Watch your mouth.”</p><p>“No, Dad, I won’t. I’m not a kid and you’re acting like one. I have every right as you put me through the third divorce of my life! With mom, you two fought so much it was like a relief when it was over, but this? This is just pigheaded and stupid. Neither one of you seem to have any idea why this happening and since when were either of you unwilling to talk to each other? For ten years I watched you two be the only example of a stable committed relationship I had. And then you both just, what, stop?”</p><p>“Grace, honey, you don’t understand.”</p><p>“I know I don’t. You clearly don’t, or you’d tell me. And Steve doesn’t know either. No one seems to understand anything. Which is why you two are going to have dinner tomorrow if I have to handcuff you both to the goddamn chairs.”</p><p>She looked so much like Rachel right now. With a little of her Grandma thrown in. He sat back, resting his hands on his knees. “You’ve been talking to Steve?”</p><p>“Of course I have. Every day since he left. At first I was mad, then I just felt sorry for him. We don’t talk long. He calls and asks how Charlie and I are doing. He asks about you. Then we hang up. It didn’t take long to figure out he was calling me because you wouldn’t answer.”</p><p>“Where’d he go?”</p><p>“Nope.” She shook her head. “You get to ask him that yourself.”</p><p>“When did you get so stubborn?”</p><p>She cocked her head to the side, “Pretty sure I was born into it.”</p><p>5050505050</p><p>Grace had told Steve to show up at 6, so she could ensure he got let into the house.</p><p>“Uncle Steve!” Charlie shouted as he ran down the stairs, leaping into Steve’s arms.</p><p>“How ya doin’ Charlie?” Steve lifted him up and hugged the boy tight.</p><p>“You’ve been gone too long.” Charlie said into his neck.</p><p>“I know, pal. I’m sorry.” Steve looked over at Grace. Holding Charlie with one arm, he pulled her in for a hug with the other. “Good to see you, Gracie.”</p><p>She kissed his cheek and whispered in his ear, “Don’t fuck this up.”</p><p>He looked at her seriously. “I’ll try.”</p><p>She nodded, knowing there was only so much he could do. She prayed they’d figure this out. “C’mon Charlie. Let’s get your coat.”</p><p>“Steve, good to see you.” Clara came down the stairs next.</p><p>“You too, Clara.” He looked away at her expression, a mix of pity and sadness. He hadn’t called her Ma. He used to, but it didn’t feel right now.</p><p>“Danny’s in the kitchen. We’re heading out.”</p><p>“Yeah, the play. Grace told me.”</p><p>She placed a hand on his arm. “He still loves you. Don’t let him tell you otherwise." She turned and shouted up the stairs, "Eddie, get a move on! We're gonna be late"</p><p>Steve nodded at her and stood by the door as they all headed out. He headed nervously for the kitchen.</p><p>“They gone?” Danny asked as he sat at the table, drinking a beer.</p><p>“Yeah, they just left.”</p><p>“Great, you can go now.”</p><p>“Danny...”</p><p>“Steve, I know Grace set this up and she thinks she’s doing a good thing, so I’ll play along for her sake, but there’s no reason for you to stay here. So, please, leave.”</p><p>Steve went to the fridge and pulled out a beer. “Sure there is. It’s not good for you to drink alone. If you’re gonna sit there and drink, then I am too.” He sat at the opposite end of the table as he twisted off the cap.</p><p>“I’m having a beer, Steven. Not like I’m doing vodka shots in the dark.”</p><p>“How’s your PT going?” Steve asked, taking a sip.</p><p>“It’s fine.”</p><p>“That’s good. You look good.”</p><p>“Don’t.”</p><p>“Don’t what?”</p><p>“Don’t talk to me like things are normal.”</p><p>“Don’t talk to you like... how should I talk to you Danny? Huh? I’m trying here, man. What do you want from me?”</p><p>“Nothing. I don’t want one goddamn thing from you. I want you to walk out that door and not look back because that’s what McGarretts are good at! Your mom and dad did it to you and you did it to me. I was broken, shot, and bleeding and you left. You left and lost the right to decide when to come back. You get to come back if, and only if, I decide to let you.”</p><p>Steve sat back, stunned. He blinked a few times, just staring at Danny. That was exactly what he had done. He’s rationalized to himself that Danny would be better off, safer, if he wasn’t around, the same way John had rationalized that sending him and Mary away was safer. He hadn’t texted Danny back because Catherine had shown up and he’d had to deal with that, but he’d called once he got settled. By then, though, Danny wouldn’t answer. Shame and guilt descended on him and his shoulders slumped.</p><p>“You’re right. Oh my God, Danny. You’re right.” Steve tears started to well, and he struggled to hold himself together.</p><p>“I know I’m right.” Danny was torn between his raw anger and the impulse to comfort Steve that came from ten years of being friends.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Danny, I...how do I even? God, what did I do? I wasn’t thinking like that...I was so afraid of what I was causing...I didn’t think...”</p><p>“Where did you go?” Danny's voice was low, almost a whisper.</p><p>Steve chuffed out some breaths, trying to regain composure. “I, uh, I flew to L.A. I knew from there I could go pretty much anywhere and thought I’d figure it out once I got there. The cheapest flight was to Seattle, and from there, Stockholm.”</p><p>“Stockholm? Why on earth would you go to Sweden?”</p><p>“Well, uh, I’d never been there. And I didn’t know the language, which felt like a challenge. But it was still near the ocean. I don’t know. Made sense at the time.”</p><p>Danny thought about how Steve had looked paler to him when he first saw him a week ago. “Still pretty cold in Sweden in April, isn’t it.”</p><p>“Yeah. It is. But the city was amazing and I ended up renting a small cabin on this inlet. The connection to the ocean is just as strong there as it is in Hawai'i, which was fascinating. It was like the mirror image really, 'cause they have lots of these small islands off the coast. They poach the fish and serve it cold on bread with cheese for breakfast. The markets were full of small berries and nuts, along with salted meats. They salt pretty much everything, even the licorice. The sun shined every day, but the temperature barely got above 45. Everyone was outside even with the snow unmelted all around. And the shorelines, there are these huge boulders you can climb up so easily and look out.”</p><p>“Sounds like you had a great time.”</p><p>Steve shook his head a little. “I tried to call you the first day. Everything I did, all I could think about was that I wanted you to share it with. From the moment I got there, I wished you were with me.”</p><p>“But not enough to ask me to go with you.”</p><p>“I did! I called and was gonna tell you to join me as soon as you could fly. I’d even asked Catherine if...”</p><p>“Catherine? What’re you talking about, Catherine?”</p><p>Steve swallowed hard. “She met me. On the plane out of Oahu. She flew back with me to the mainland.”</p><p>He could see Danny’s body tense even more. “I see. You didn’t ask me because you’d already asked her.”</p><p>“No, Danny. No. You’re wrong. She tracked me and showed up. Look, she and I, we’ll always have history. Like you and Rachel.”</p><p>“I was married to Rachel. That’s totally different.”</p><p>“Only to you. You think I don’t burn a little inside anytime she calls? Huh?”</p><p>“No, man. I don’t. You've always seemed fine with Rachel.”</p><p>“Of course I do. Because you need me to be. So do the kids. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t hate it when she calls, or does something that sends you spiraling, or whatever. But we’re off the point now.”</p><p>“What is your point?”</p><p>“You don’t gotta be jealous of Catherine, OK. She’s my friend, I am grateful for the things she’s done for me, but she’s not you. OK? She’s not you.”</p><p>“I don’t even know what that means.”</p><p>Steve rubbed his face with his hand and then laid it on the table, palm up. “I love you Danny. I’ve told you that a thousand times, but I don’t know that you hear it. And I get it. You and I, we’ve gone along this way for ten years and that’s just how it’s been but I need you to listen to me now.”</p><p>Danny sat back, watching, silent.</p><p>“There’s no life I can live without you in it, Danny. No scenario, no place, no time, where I don’t want you at my side. I’ve never felt I could ask that of you, not openly. You were there, and I was there, and we went along. But when I needed to leave, to get away, I couldn’t ask that of you. What if I couldn’t come back? I couldn’t ask you leave Grace and Charlie. So I thought I was setting you up as best I could. The house, and Eddie, the team...they were yours. I thought I was just taking myself out of the equation so I could get my head on straight.” He stopped, his breath ragged again. “Hold my hand.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“You heard me Danny. Hold my hand.”</p><p>“I don’t understand. Why would I want to...”</p><p>“Because I asked nicely and you’re not a putz. Please. I need to hold your hand.” Danny reached out and placed his hand on top of Steve’s on the table. Steve cupped it with his other hand.</p><p>“Danny, I’m yours. Now. Then. Tomorrow. I don’t want to be anywhere unless you’re there. I know it. And it scares me, honestly, because I’ve never needed anyone the way I need you.”</p><p>The doorbell rings through the house. Steve put his head down on the table.</p><p>“It’s just the food, Steve. Hold on, I’ll get it.”</p><p>Steve jumps up. “No, you’re supposed to rest. I’ll get it.”</p><p>Grace had ordered Carbonara Spaghetti with sausage for Danny and Pesto linguini with Shrimp for Steve, along with a Caesar Salad for them to share.</p><p>Steve ate quietly. He’d laid everything out for Danny. Now he had to wait to see what Danny would say about it. Finally, Danny cleared this throat a little and took a swig of his beer.</p><p>“Steve, I know you love me. I do. And I thought I understood what that meant. That’s why I wanted you to talk to me about what was going on with you. I knew you needed a break and I was even willing to endure the time apart. But that was before...”</p><p>“I know, I’m sorry. I’ll say it a thousand times if...”</p><p>“No, stop. Please. This is my turn and you’re gonna listen now.” Steve nodded and focused on twirling his pasta onto his fork.</p><p>“I get that you’re sorry. I get that you’re lonely and that you had this great walk-about adventure that you want to share. What I don’t think you understand is what it felt like to be me, sitting on that beach. I had four broken ribs, a concussion, and a collapsed lung from having been shot. I wasn’t going to heal from all of that for a while. I needed you, Steve. And you left. Not only did you leave, but it never entered your mind that you should stay. For ten years, you’d been my partner, not just on the job, but in life. Strange and undefined as it was, you were my partner. At least, that was what I thought. When you left me though, I realized that we didn’t have a partnership. We had a codependency. One where you dictated the terms and I...I was too weak or afraid to do anything but accept what I was given. I won’t do that anymore. I can’t.”</p><p>Tears fell silently down Steve’s face. “What are your saying, Danny?”</p><p>“I’m saying you needing me isn’t enough. Because if this is only based on what you need, then when you decide you don’t, even temporarily, it’s me that suffers.”</p><p>Steve got up and walked to the other side of the table. He turned Danny’s chair and knelt before him. “Then you set the terms Danny.” He opened his arms. “I mean it. I’m yours, in every way possible, I’m here. I love you.”</p><p>Danny tilted his head, his own tears falling silently. “That’s not the same as being in love with me.”</p><p>Steve laughed. “Are you kidding me right now? God, Danny, yes it does! Are you not listening? Yes it does.” Steve cupped his hands round Danny’s cheeks and looked at him. “Look at me. I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want you to argue with me every morning about how I make coffee and eggs. I want to hear you yell at me when I’m being stubborn or unsafe. And I want to fall into bed with you every night. Wherever I am; work, the beach, the market, walking the dog...I want you to be there.”</p><p>“That sounds an awful lot like a marriage, Steve.”</p><p>“It is. It has been. We went to marriage counseling for Christ’s sake. We’ve been married since the day we met. Don’t you think it’s time we make it official?” Danny studied his face and Steve felt like he was holding his breath.</p><p>“As proposals go, that was...I gotta say...”</p><p>“What? That was a 8 out of 10, at least.”</p><p>“Really? You’re going that high? How you figure that?”</p><p>“I got on my knees didn’t I?”</p><p>“You had to. You’re, like, 8 feet tall.”</p><p>“Danno...” Steve leaned in, lips meeting for the first time. Steve was so starved for connection with Danny, he quickly wrapped his arms around him, holding him in as close as he could. Danny’s arms folded around Steve’s neck, fingers gripping the back of his shirt in tight fists. After, several minutes, their kiss broke and they sat, foreheads touching.</p><p>“Was that a yes?” Steve asked, his voice thick and deep.</p><p>“Yeah, that was a yes.” Danny smiled, then buried his face in Steve’s neck, hugging him tight.</p><p>“Thank God.”</p><p>5050505050</p><p>They were sitting together on the couch when Grace peeked her head into the family room later that night. The fact that Steve’s rental car was still out front when they got home had made her hopeful. She walked in at the tail end of Die Hard.</p><p>“I guess dinner was OK?” She sat on one of the ottomans, smiling at them</p><p>Danny had been nestled under Steve’s arm when she came in, but he sat up straight as Steve pulled his arm down. “Yeah, thank-you. You ordered perfectly.”</p><p>“Danno, you know I’m not talking about the food.”</p><p>“We know, Gracie.” Steve answered. “Yes, things are OK. You’re dad and I, we’re, uh...” Steve looked at Danny. Were they going to share this now?</p><p>“Yeah, uh, we’re not getting a divorce as you so harshly proclaimed yesterday. It’s actually the opposite of that.”</p><p>“No fucking way!” Grace jumped up, clapping her hands.</p><p>“Watch your mouth.” Danny and Steve said in unison.</p><p>“Oh please. This is so great! Kono and I are gonna plan the whole thing!”</p><p>“You and Kono...Monkey, what are you talking about.”</p><p>“When she left, she made me promise that no one but she, Charlie, and I were going to be your attendants, Danno. Uncle Steve, you can have who ever else you want. We’ve been tossing around ideas for years. Oh God, I have to go call her. This is awesome! Finally!” Grace kissed each of them and bounded out of the room.</p><p>“What the hell was that?” Steve asked.</p><p>“Pretty sure that is our thought of heading to the Essex County Courthouse next week flying out the window.”</p><p>“Huh. Never thought about having a ceremony, but that could be nice.”</p><p>“Nice? With those two in charge...you know what that’s gonna cost?”</p><p>Steve wrapped his arm around Danny again, drawing him close. “Nope. Don’t care either. Sounds like a good party.”</p><p>“Who are you and what have you done with Steve McGarrett?”</p><p>“Aw, let her have her fun.”</p><p>“You’re the easy parent who lets her get away with everything.”</p><p>“I’ve bought her love and am perfectly OK with that.”</p><p>“Shuddup. We’re coming to the good part.”</p><p>Danny snuggled in, reaching up and pulling Steve’s hand to his mouth, kissing it. Steve sighed, and Danny felt the pressure leave his chest for the first time in weeks.</p>
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